The Forgiveness Process

If I were to believe everything I read, I would think that forgiveness –or lack of it –is the number one social issue today. It may be that this is true. We can’t get past an incident and therefore are willing to sacrifice a relationship rather than work through the difficulty. There is a place online called The International Forgiveness Institute (forgiveness-institute.org), located at the Univ of Wisconsin, Madison, that has been studying forgiveness since 1994. It’s a tremendous site and I recommend that you go there and read the research. A couple of things stand out to me: forgiveness is NOT about forgetting. Forgive and forget? -rarely possible. We seem to have a radar for remembering past hurts. But here’s the thing that has been revelatory to me, and it is contained in the process for forgiveness. The process goes something like this: 1/ uncover the incident/hurt 2/ decide to forgive 3/ work to accept the pain 4/ experience healing. So this research says that it is going to hurt, but the hurt must be absorbed somewhere. To give the hurt back is not forgiveness, it’s retaliation. Carry the pain – that’s part of forgiveness. It’s not going to go away, but by carrying it myself I can stop it from further destruction and forgiveness is possible. Much easier said than done. In the Christian context we are bearing some of the pain of the crucifixion – we’re at the foot of the cross instead of running away as we often are. I want to feel better but this process doesn't automatically accomplish that. This follows on the heels of last blog about loving our enemies. Someone said to me that when an olive branch is extended and the other person refuses to cooperate, we’re back at square one. But this is reconciliation, not forgiveness. Forgiveness involves one person; reconciliation involves two. I can’t control anyone but me.
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ON THIS BLOG ARE MINE ALONE AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF MY EMPLOYER.

The Ethic of the Enemy

Last week I attended an interesting workshop with nationally renowned speaker, Dr. Mike Carotta. The presentation was essentially the work of his wife, Dr. Catherine Carotta, in her research on the spirituality of the educator. It was a great morning but there was one piece that especially intrigued me, not so much because it was new information, but because it was information that I knew subconsciously but had never brought to awareness, and it was this: the ethic of the enemy. This refers to the realities present when, in the workplace, social setting, family, etc. one makes enemies. Carotta identifies three ‘benefits’ from that reality: 1/ avoidance of responsibility (there’s now someone to blame for whatever the situation is) 2/ increased bonding with those in agreement (team mentality – security in knowing I am not alone in my thinking) 3/ identity clarification (glad I’m not like that). This struck me because I can see myself in this description, and on both sides of it. I have been the one who has been blamed, isolated, and shunned, and I’m sad to say, I have also been the accuser, the excluder, and the avoider. In fact I can even say it has felt good at times to be on the team. Where is that clear voice of faith in all of this? And I remind myself (and anyone else who may be listening) as I quote this Lucan passage, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” Luke 6:27-28 What a challenge these words present! -but it's only in heeding these words that bridges are built, community is formed, possibilities have a chance of beconing realities for a better, more unified family, neighborhood, workplace, world. God give us the strength.
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS BLOG ARE MINE ALONE AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF MY EMPLOYER.